Imprefect Allyship

The need to coat-check homogeny if we aim to succeed

Over the years, my favorite esthetician has shared many a funny meme. But, many of those memes have also been about feminism, sisterhood, and allyship, and they have helped to transform my ideas around what those things all mean to me.

For years I felt that real feminist women didn’t get injections, plastic surgery, Botox, tanning bed time, or whatever else I thought was too aesthetically indulgent. I felt those things were a bid for male attention, and were hurting our cause for equality and fair treatment.

Through my beauty wizard’s posts, I discovered how much I was continuing to participate in systems of patriarchy, misogyny, and oppression of my fellow ladies. Who is to say how and why any woman(or human, for that matter) chooses to adorn themselves? If she feels more beautiful and like the best/fanciest/most radiant version of herself, then more power to her! And, if she chooses to phone it in, also, that is her choice, and I or anyone else can fuck all the way off with our judgements. I realized that I had been internally policing my fellow Sisters, and maintaining what some call The Women’s Union—maintaining societal norms for being a Good Girl—and continuing to blame and shame women in ways I would never dream of doing when it comes to clothing or career.

I was maintaining separation from potential allies because of my perception about how they were going about things, instead of seeking collaboration, linking arms, and turning our collective gaze to where it matters most.

2025 was a year where this topic of allyship and division was boldly highlighted. It started off with such major transitions, and I could see so much destruction coming down the pike as a result. The ways some folks responded despite having considered them friends—and likewise, the ways I responded in the face of feeling such a need for defense—was jarring. I spent the year in contemplation about allies, boundaries, defining for myself what is required for friendship, what is reconcilable, and what is not.

I am a tree-hugging, dirt-worshipping, politically active Animist who cares deeply about the health and growth of forests, yet, I also love on-demand consumption. I loathe so much of how Amazon conducts business, yet I am still a pretty regular customer. I am a strong advocate for free speech, yet I did not boycott Disney, or Paramount, or any of the others. I know how effective boycotts and protests are! Like, I can spout off actual numbers re:efficacy, yet I harbor seeds of apathy that, at least in this arena, I don’t have the strength to push through to get the whole family on board with my Social Justice Warrior notions.

Yet still, in other arenas of life, certain principles I will not back down from. Certain ideals I will preach from my soapbox till the cows come home. But, is it so and right and good for everyone to come at life from my perspective?

Last year asked that I sit in the discomfort of fear and judgements, both other’s and my own.

Weeding happened, literally and figuratively.

With that came clarification.

With clarification came peace.

At least, a little.

The larger reflections that the end-of-year always seem to draw forth concretized certain stances on allyship in my own heart this year. I believe that a major contributing factor to the T-Bag’s popularity is that he is so despicable, so heinous, so unabashedly horrible, that he makes the piece of darkness that exists inside all of us OK. So many of us are at least unconsciously aware that we have shadowy bits, and yet we are doing all we can to polish that up so at least the world at large doesn’t notice. And here comes the AntiChrist, and we feel the weight of Perfection lifted. We are freed up to just be.

As I move into 2026, I am taking with me the insights that my lovely esthetician has enlightened me to over the years: true allyship is accepting of diversity, and sometimes it’s deeply uncomfortable. We all have unique perspectives, gifts, and desires for our lives—but, sometimes those things don’t always line up. It will take all of us to maintain the rule of law and access to democracy. So, can we put aside our differences, can we tolerate our judgements, can we be with our fears, and walk together toward a common vision that allows for imperfection? Can we recognize our common cause, even if we don’t agree on execution? I suspect the answer will need to be Yes before we see the end.

This article was originally published on Substack. You can read the original here.