The Long Commute
My journey through this garden.
One of our primary criteria when looking to buy a home was that it have a decent sized backyard. One of the very first things I did once we acquired this new home was to come into this backyard and offer tobacco. I offered gratitude for allowing us to be the current caretakers, and I asked if we could be in collaboration. Would all the spirits of the land, and all the spirits who reside here, be willing to co-create a beautiful habitat for life that worked for all of us?
That first spring, I got confirmation. Hupahu Luta, Ladybug, arrived by the thousands! The plants in our yard grew more than in any other neighbor’s garden, and it was a joy to spend time in. It was a place that held us all in a good way, and inspiration came.
After interviewing the child and the hubs, I sat with our combined desires and asked the land how to make it happen. I asked the home, as well. How does the energy flow? What are our purposes? What wants to grow here? What critters will be visiting? How will we be using it all?
For 18 months I sat, and I plotted, and I waited to get planting. Honestly, that is all I wanted to do this whole time! I just wanted to put plants in the ground. But, if you haven’t ever tackled a project like this, planting is the very last thing to be done—and there is a whole lot of ground work to be laid(literally) before we get to make it come alive with verdant life; before we get to tend to the fun stuff.
The planning stage. From the inspiration photo, to the design, to the joy this space has housed—we laid a solid foundation.
Back at the beginning of this wretched year, I walked myself through a Soul Retrieval Ceremony. Some moments of potential soul loss over the past decade had been identified that I considered having contributed to my recent long-term bad mood. Some of us gravitate more naturally to parenting than others, but even beyond the life-changing initiation that was the birth of my daughter, there were BIG ruptures that were having lingering effects on my psyche.
I had become someone I did not like being.
I wanted to find my joy again! So, I held ceremony. For four days and nights, I called in my spirit team, banged the drum, and journeyed. I made offers with these last vestiges of my menstrual blood and with spirit plates from family feasts. I burned things and buried the ash. I prayed with the pipe, and I inhabited this space.
Then, when the circle was closed, I began to clear.
I had been in a bunch of coaching programs in recent years, mostly centered on business, and emotional regulation. My time, heavily focussed on therapy, growth and transformational courses, and business masterminds was coming to an integration pause. Big feelings were coming up, accompanied by the thoughts that I hadn’t made much progress for all the effort.
I had paid to have someone else lay down this black rock ball pit around the tub so I didn’t have to do the heavy lifting. But, it was not the right thing. That seemed an appropriate physical anecdote for how I was approaching building this practice.
So now, there I was. Clearing out the wrong thing. Doing the heavy lifting. Making it the very right thing.
My friend who I have done so many of these programs with, who has had so many conversations with me about our individual spiritual(and mundane) life journeys, she wrote something right around the time of that Soul Retrieval talking about waiting. She noticed herself sitting around waiting for The Thing—whatever the thing is—to happen. She was waiting for work. She was waiting for paintings to sell. She was waiting for the roofers, and the appraiser, and … Meanwhile, time was slipping by.
Life was slipping by.
After seeking out my connection to joy earlier this year, my focus has begun to change.
I thought, what am I waiting for?! I am the architect of this vision, and I want to get it done.
I had been waiting for the landscape guy to bring my trees, and for others to move the rocks, and for my husband to get the extra stones. Instead, I thought, why not start with the things that can be done, plant the plants that can be planted, and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine while we’re at it. Then, we can enjoy the night of good sleep, after the day of hard work.
And so it has gone for many months. Until one day, you finally look around you, and it’s all done. The plants have grown. The space is thriving.
How it started, and where we're at now.
The path of tending to the work of this backyard project was a lot. I often felt like I was putting aside work on my business, even though I was working on building my literal workspace. It was stressful and time-consuming, and I often felt like I was moving backwards.
This work was also a complete joy, even including all that effort. Creating this design, and getting noticed for it; hiring and managing the team to get it all done; physically planting almost every single plant, over 13 new trees, and moving literal tons of rock into place by hand—it has worked its magic on me.
This year has been one filled with transformation, from the soul retrieval earlier in the year, to the initiation dinner hosted in May, to summer’s giveaway, to this subtle yet profound observation of gratitude for the work invested, leaving all these quiet moments open to just… enjoy.
I am not lazy. I am not incapable. I am not irresponsible.
I did not go from abuse and destitution, to this life filled with love, support, abundance and security by making good, calculated decisions. Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but it’s true. Every step of the way, I have had my focus on my spiritual growth and transformation in this lifetime, instead of what makes the most fiscal, or even logical sense. I let my heart lead, and when I learned a lesson, no amount of money or concession would let me forget it.
It is no way to live. I made many experiences in my life harder because of this. But, at this point, it looks like that focus has paid off.
I get to enjoy an unshakable love, a partnership in the truest sense of the word—one I was beginning to believe was unavailable. I get to experience all of the incredible highs and lows of parenthood—a most magical transformational portal. I get to do the heavy lift of allowing my limbic system to unwind—to trust—now that Maslow’s foundations are secured.
Nobody tells you what a struggle it can be when everything starts going right, and stays going right! Be careful what you wish for, they say, because you just might get it!
That said, I don’t believe humans are meant to live this way. I don’t believe we are meant to work ourselves to death. I don’t believe we are always supposed to be creative and productive. I don’t believe we are meant to live in constant strife and struggle.
At least, there are other options.
So, with this shift in focus from hustle and hawk, to beauty and joy, I guess the question that remains is…
What wants to be created next?
Stay tuned, ‘cause I’ve got some fun stuff on the horizon ;)
Some extra gems from the process of transforming this land.
