Embracing the Feminine

accepting the cycles of productivity and rest

I didn’t post anything new for a few weeks this summer. You might have noticed.

It’s not that I am too busy—well, maybe it’s a little bit of that. I mean, who could possibly sit still long enough in this kind of weather to write? San Francisco has been one of the few lucky recipients of global warming in that instead of being completely socked in with fog and shivering cold 55 degree days in peak summer, we are now enjoying balmy 65 degree days with at least three hours of unobstructed sunlight for most them! All I seem to want to do with that is garden.

More to the point though, nothing really seems to want to be written. I have the time blocked off in my calendar. I sit down with my multiple beverages and open the blank page. Then I stare. It’s a tale as old as time, that one. Everyone who has ever written knows it. Maybe you pluck out a few words on the keyboard, but it’s staccato. Nothing feels quite right.

Only… Is that true?

There has been something that wants to come out, a small but insistent voice that has been speaking up lately. But, it’s big. It’s a longer narative than I have been able to knock out in one session, and it is likely something that will require more than a single blog post. But, more on that later.

For now, let’s focus on the Feminine.

Around the time of the pandemic I was immersed in Tantric studies. In very reduced terms, Tantra (as I understand it) is the worship of the Feminine. It is so much more than that, but this is a cornerstone.

One morning, while drinking my coffee on the stoop, I got to thinking about my relationship to the Feminine. As one does.

I am a staunch Feminist outwardly, but what was my actual relationship to my internalized Her? If Man can be pictured as a straight shot arrow, then Woman is a squiggly arrow pointing in all directions. Woman is desire, and Man delivers.

I was familiar with my internalized Masculine, and the toxicity I had embraced in service to my survival (and my ego, let’s be honest). But, up to this point in life I had not given much thought to how I actually felt about my internalized flows, messiness, cycles of productivity and rest, wildness, varied interests, inconsistency, and all the other things that are associated with the Feminine Principle.

As I contemplated, I realized that I did not like my feminine side very much, and the feeling was likely closer to rejection and disgust. My whole cooking career had been spent wishing desperately that I could focus soley on that craft. So many of the men I worked with ate, slept, and breathed their careers. And, they were perfectly content doing so! I just couldn’t. I always wanted to do other things. I wanted time to spin wool, and read books, and go to gardens, maybe tend to my own garden. I wanted time to spend with family and friends just hanging out. I wanted to make art, and sew clothes, and to spend time doing anything other than cooking—or thinking about cooking—on my one day off.

I thought this was a personal failing.

My desire was wrong. My longing bad. My inconsistency was what was keeping me from success. My need for variety was an intrinsic failing.

Why couldn’t I just act right?

Even with all my studies of these concepts, I still struggle with not just accepting my feminine aspects, but embracing them.

This world of ours tells us in every way possible that to be successful in any venture we must be consistent. That consistency is measured by endless productivity. If creators miss a week, they lose huge amounts of followers and the algorythm dries up. If our content isn’t seen by our audience, then we can’t sell our programs, or our books, or our films, or our whatever. If you work for someone else you must show up the same hours all year long with no consideration for our animal selves. Vacation time is rare, and paid time off for illness, much less proper rest, is all but a mythical beast. There is no time for hobbies, or creativity for the sake of it. Everything must be monetized, and produced in perpetuity.

Doesn’t my Muse know this?

No, she does not. And, if she does, she does not care. She is an inconstant woman, that Muse, demanding I adhere to HER schedule, demaning that I allow myself the time to spend walking, gardening, spinning, and creating in other arenas, before she will bestow me with her gifts in the written word.

For even that, I must bend to Her will.

She said, “You want inspiration for what to write? I will give it to you.” She laughs.

I guess, be careful for what you wish. You just might get it. I asked for what wants to be written, and the answer I have received might take me a lifetime. But she will have her way. I will bend to Her will as I worship at Her altar.

Happy wife, happy life. And this is my alchemical marriage. Thy will be done.

Maybe the real key to success in this life is to honor both the internalized Masculine and the internalized Feminine, and to seek peaceful union between them.

This article was originally published on Substack. You can read the original here.